Pop Culture Pap

Illustration from Razorcake #51 by Brad Beshaw

Illustration from Razorcake #51 by Brad Beshaw

I walked across the campus at UCLA a half hour before the hullabaloo was scheduled to begin. A middle-aged woman in Birkenstocks walked toward me, accompanied by a dog that looked like a fat greyhound. A squirrel darted through the planter to my left. The dog bounded off after the squirrel. The woman hadn’t had a tight enough hold on the leash. It slipped out of her hand. The squirrel made for a tree—his only hope. The dog took three steps, swooped the squirrel up in her mouth, and bam. Two shakes of her head and the squirrel’s neck was broke. He hung there limply in the dog’s mouth. The woman screamed, “No! Macy! Put it down!” But it was too late for the squirrel. Macy knew this. She took off running down the hallways of what looked to be a Biology building. The woman ran after her dog.

It all seemed futile to me. She could give that dog all the yuppie names she wanted and scream at her all she wanted, but Macy had thousands of years of genetic memory telling her to eat that squirrel. Yuppie names and scolding in a language the dog doesn’t speak are no match for that. I wanted to tell the woman, “Relax. Let the dog have her little squirrel. It’s just the way the world works.” Instead, I minded my own business. I thought to myself, this has to be a metaphor for something.


A half hour later, the hullabaloo ensued. Crowds filtered in, writers performed readings, panels of other writers talked about their books, publishers hawked their wares. The LA Times Festival of Books was underway. I set up a chair adjacent to the table of Gorsky Press books and let the festival wash over me.

I was working half of the Gorsky Press/Manic D Press booth. Jennifer from Manic D had asked me if I would split a booth with her. From about ten seconds after I said I’d do it, I regretted my decision. I hate working at book festivals. I hate the retail aspect of it. I hate having to give a sales pitch for a book that I’m selling for five bucks. I mean, come on, five bucks? What else can you get for five bucks? A burrito. Someone poured his heart and soul and years of his life into this book, I spent several months working with the author, editing, typesetting, designing the cover, and creating the actual artifact. And you can get it for the cost of a burrito. Don’t ask me to give a sales pitch.

Thus, I started the day grumpy.

To make matters worse, the Gorsky/Manic D booth was right next to the LA Times Stage. This is where all the “celebrity” authors (or is it celebrity “authors,” because you know Cloris Leachman didn’t sit down at a laptop and type seventy thousand words of an autobiography) read from their works and answered questions from the audience. Whether I wanted to or not—and believe me, it was a not—I had to hear Winnie Cooper talk about math, Marsha Brady talk about her cocaine addiction (she bragged about blowing a quarter million dollars on coke, then scolded someone in the audience—probably some little girl—by braying, “Don’t you ever do drugs. Drugs are bad!”), and a few different celebrities whom I’d never heard of whine about being recognized everywhere they went. Bob Barker was there. I’m not sure what he talked about, but I couldn’t help feeling like he was trying to sell me a washing machine.


There’s something hauntingly painful about giving a sales pitch to a customer who’s clearly not interested in the book that you poured sweat and blood and thousands of dollars in, and giving that sales pitch not because you want to, but because he asked. And you know he only asked because he’s killing time until the Dancing with the Stars host takes over the stage. And you can hardly hear yourself grumble to yourself because Tori Spelling is squawking through the P.A. behind you.

Our booth number was 666. Before the festival, a friend asked me if that was a coincidence. I didn’t understand how it could be. I’m not satanic. After a seven-hour assault from the LA Times Stage, I knew what he meant. It was a coincidence because I was in hell.


Beyond the celebrities and customers, there were my fellow publishers to contend with. Not so much Jennifer from Manic D, but the publishers who stopped in to chat. The trendy fear this year is digital book readers. Publishers are convinced that everything will be going paperless within ten years. Books will be a thing of the past, surrendered in favor of the Kindle or the Sony Reader. And, as much as I like to indulge on unfounded panic, I just couldn’t commiserate with my fellow publishers.

On the one hand, I could see the benefits of these digital readers. Because everything published before 1923 in the US is part of the public domain in the US. No one holds the copyright on it. So, if I wanted to publish Moby Dick tomorrow, I could. And since the Herman Melville’s estate isn’t going to get a dime, it doesn’t make sense for Barnes & Noble or Penguin to charge as much as they do for their copies of that novel. You can get a free copy of it online at Project Gutenberg. So, if these digital readers became popular, anyone who wanted to read a pre-1923 book could download it for free. I think that would be a good thing. But you can already read most of those books for free online. And I still buy the books. Because Moby Dick is hard enough to read without having to read it off a glowing, flickering screen.

And that’s the problem with these book readers. The manufacturers swear that the screens don’t glow or flicker. But I’ve seem these readers. They glow and flicker.

Besides, if more people went to the digital book readers, I could sell a whole lot more Gorsky books without having to print, store, or mail them. And, sure, more people would be illegally downloading these books, but I could live with that. At least more people would be reading our authors.

On the other hand, I have trouble believing that these readers will take over. For one thing, I’ve never seen anyone using one of these digital readers in the world at large. I see a lot of people reading books down by the beach or on airplanes or in diners or on campuses, but I have not seen one single person reading a digital reader outside of the store that sells that reader. And I’ve been looking. For years, I’ve been looking.

When we started Gorsky Press more than a decade ago, people told me then that, within five years, everything would be paperless. Ten years later, people are telling me that, within five years, everything will be paperless. Will I hear the same thing in ten more years? I don’t know. I do remember buying an LP back in 1984 and the clerk telling me that cassettes would make LPs a thing of the past. Twenty-five years later, the LP is more popular than it’s been in a decade.

This goes to show that the future, like the present, isn’t binary. Sure, people probably will start buying more of those readers. Maybe they will get more popular. But for the rest of my lifetime, at least, people will still buy books for the same reason people still buy records. We want the artifact. We want the ceremony of lifting the record onto the turntable, hearing the crack and pop of anticipation, and listening to that warm fuzz of analog. Likewise, when we read a book, we want to be able to pause with our thoughts, gaze at the cover, flip back through the pages. We want to dog-ear pages and underline beautiful sentences. We want to smell the musty pages of a book that we’ve read twenty years ago, and reread that book and let the smell and the browning pages connect us to our earlier selves. I can’t see myself giving that up for a glowing screen. I can’t see readers like me giving that up for the next fifty or sixty years, at least.

Of course, I didn’t tell my fellow publishers this. Nothing bugs people like mixing your reason in with their panic.


So that was the LA Times Festival of Books. Vacuous celebrities, whiny publishers in a retail purgatory, and me grumbling. But there was this beautiful moment, too.

With only a couple of hours left in the book fest, with another celebrity chattering away on the stage behind me, I left the Gorsky/Manic D booth, made my way across campus, and watched a reading sponsored by an organization called “Dime Stories.” Aspiring-but-little-known writers read three-minute, slice-of-life stories about commuting on public transportation and thinking about their aunt and that kind of thing. I watched five or six of them. They were at times funny, clever, and thoughtful. All of these writers, though, clearly spent a lot of time crafting these little three-minute stories. They thought about every word. It was big deal for them to read at the Festival of Books.

The crowd was bigger there than it had been at the celebrity stage when I left. I was happy to see that.

Twenty minutes into Dime Stories, who should take the stage but Razorcake’s own Jim Ruland. He read a twisted story about a guy obsessed with Nietzsche and pro sports. It got a little edgy at the end. Some spectators who’d brought their young children squirmed in their seats. I felt a little swelling in my chest, proud for ol’ Jim.

Was his reading so powerful, so beautiful that it vindicated my whole experience at the Festival of Books? No. Clearly, I’m still grumpy about it all. I was just glad to see that among this vacuous display of a culture in ruins that passes itself off as a Festival of Books, at this homage to pop cultural pap where honest attempts at communication are lost in the clutter, at least organizations like Razorcake, Gorsky, and Manic D still have a foothold.


When the hullabaloo subsided, I packed the unsold books back into my truck and thought about the dog and her squirrel. I tried to make sense of the metaphor. Who was the dog in this scenario? Who was the squirrel? What were we genetically programmed to do? How was nature running its course?

I still don’t know. I’m sorry.

I wish I had a better answer for you.

Author’s note: This is the seventeenth chapter to a collection of Razorcake columns I wrote.  It originally ran in Razorcake #51.  For more information about the collection, read this post. If you enjoy reading my Razorcake columns, please consider subscribing to the magazine.

Calling All Venturans

EP_Foster_FlyerI’ll be performing a short reading with a few of my colleagues from Cal State Channel Islands this Saturday.  We’ll be at the E.P. Foster library in downtown Ventura.  The event starts at 5 PM.  We’ll all talk/read for about 12 minutes.  This will leave plenty of time afterward to buy me a beer at one of the downtown pubs, if you should so desire.

It’ll be a fun night.  I work with some talented people.  I’ve seen Bob and Mary  read.  They’re both very engaging.  I haven’t seen Sofia read, but she’s a hell of a writer and a very dynamic person, so I imagine her performance will be a blast.  I’ve never seen myself read, except on video, which I’m told isn’t as exciting as the live performance.  Plus, all I can think when I watch videos of myself is, how did I suddenly get so old and gray?  I never look like that when there’s not a mirror around.

Anyway, I promise a good time, and I hope you can come out.

The event is free.  You don’t really have to buy me a beer afterward.

How to Read to Your Children

A friend of mine from Florida, Replay Dave, had a daughter this summer.  She was born right around the time Madhouse Fog was released.  Obviously, she’s too old to really understand language or read herself.  Still, Replay reads to her every night.  He’s set up a bookshelf in her room.  He sits in the rocker next to her crib and reads her to sleep.

Recently, Replay sent a picture of that bookshelf and the books he’s been reading to her.  I think my favorite one is on the second shelf from the top, right in the middle.  It’s three books down from Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear and just to the left of Baby Animals.

That’s right.  Your eyes don’t deceive you.  Replay is reading my nightmares to his infant daughter.  I take no responsibility.


One of the Greats

During my first semester at Florida State University–and impossible 24 years ago–I took a creative writing class from a professor named Jerome Stern.  I had no idea at the time that he had a nationally-syndicated NPR show, that publications like Harper’s and Playboy sought out his work, or that he was, in general, a big-time guy.  I had no concept of what it took to get where he was.  I had the vague sense that professors got their jobs like K-12 teachers get their jobs: they get a degree and apply at the local school.  I didn’t know that things like terminal degrees and publications and contributions to the overall body of knowledge were just the minimum requirements.Jerome Stern

I did recognize immediately, though, that he was an incredible teacher.  I’ve had other classes, other teachers who were as influential, as meaningful, but I’ve never had class or teachers who were more so.

Jerome was the first professor I had who showed me how to take this jumbled mass of raw words and start to put shape to them.  For that reason, he is one of the three FSU professors to whom I dedicated Madhouse Fog.

I bring him up now because, at the beginning of every fall semester, I reread his story “University.”  I’ve been doing this for five or six years now.  Every year, it becomes more meaningful.  Every year, it breaks my heart all over again.

Now, I’m sharing the story with you.   Click the link at the end of this sentence to read it: Stern_University

Though I was still blond and kinda heavy when I hit my early thirties, though I did spend ten post-college years wandering around the country and doing wild things, I’m not the returning student in the story.  Jerome died before I made it into my early thirties and was able to visit him again.  If I’m not mistaken, he’d been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer at the time when he wrote this story.  He was heading into his final school year, one that he wouldn’t live through.   Part of the power of the story lies in knowing that he made this kind of sense out of his life while facing an imminent death.  Part of the power comes from me personally missing they guy.

I’m thankful that he left at least this legacy.

Deleted Scenes, Part 1

TVs_at_Henry_Miller_LibraryI always like checking out the deleted scenes when I rent DVDs.  They’re like a little world unto themselves, not quite fitting into the world of the film, but worth too much to leave on the cutting room floor.  I like to think about the choices directors (and all the people with power over directors) make.

I also know that, when I write a novel, I cut more than I keep.  Most of what I cut deserves to be lost.  Everyone has bad days.  The same goes for me when I’m writing.

There’s also stuff that I like, but it gets cut anyway.  Usually these cuts come down to plot or pacing issues.  Usually, I save these excised chapters and do nothing with them.

Recently, a buddy of mine named Kevin Dunn read Madhouse Fog.  He also read the Razorcake column where I talk about writing Madhouse Fog.  In the column, I mention one of these excised chapters.  Kevin asked if he could read it.  I thought, why not?

And, if Kevin gets to read it, why not let everyone?

So below is a PDF of the original chapter 19.  At the last minute, my editor at Manic D Press asked me to cut this chapter.  She felt that it was too long and it deviated from the plot of the book.  I could see her point.  I’d inserted this chapter and taken it out a few times while working on the book.  I, myself, wasn’t sure that it belonged.  So, when Jennifer asked me to cut it, I agreed.

Still, I think it’s kinda cool.  You can check it out for yourself by clicking the link below:

Excised chapter 19.

A Weird Tale

Kiyoshi_Madhouse_TreeThe San Diego City Beat wrote about three weird books that came out this summer.  At the top of the list: Madhouse Fog.

I know it’s a strange book, and if he’s going to compare it to the strangeness of Thomas Pynchon, Aimee Bender, Haruki Murakami, and Richard Brautigan, I’ll take it.

You can link to the review here.

Or you can just look at that pretty picture that Kiyoshi Nakazawa painted.

The Madhouse Fog Experiment

Almost every event is more fun if you go to it.  I know that sounds obvious.  Still, sometimes the night of the event rolls around and we’re feeling lazy or cheap or broke or tired or whatever, so we watch the game on TV or we listen to the record instead of going to see the band play.  So, if you’re feeling lazy or tired and still want to see me put on a reading, here’s the video of me reading the first chapter of Madhouse Fog at Skylight Books.

Being cheap or broke is no excuse.  You can see me perform live–for free–tomorrow night.  I’ll be doing a fun event at Pop Hop in Eagle Rock (5002 York Blvd., Los Angeles, CA) with The Drunken Master 2, Kiyoshi Nakazawa.  It’ll be a lot more fun than sitting at home and watching shit on YouTube.  Click on the poster for details.

Pop Hop Flyer

People I Read With: Jim Ruland


Long ago, I went to the inaugural reading at a downtown arts space in Flagstaff, AZ.  The place wasn’t much more than an unfinished basement with some chairs set up all facing one direction and a clip-on work light hanging up so the readers could see what was on the page.  I don’t remember there being a cover—surely I would’ve skipped the event, if there were—and I don’t remember anything being for sale.  I do remember a ramshackle room in the back where the guy running the space clearly lived.  There also seemed to be an unspoken openness to shaggy guys like me bringing my own 40 to the reading.

The guy who read first was a big, palooka-looking dude whom I’d hung out with a couple of times.  I wasn’t too sure about the guy. He seemed to have a taste for whiskey and the trouble that tends to accompany it.  I also knew he was a big Thomas Pynchon fan.  And that was about all I knew of him.  Pynchon and whiskey.  Not the most auspicious start, but surely a common enough one to seem almost cliché among white, male, American writers.

He read an insane story, something about a farmer using a yak as a work animal.  Who knows exactly what it was about?  I remember lines from it, I think verbatim: “Yak man, hoeing and yakking, yakking and hoeing.  Yak man.”  And he’d really slam the delivery of yak man.  Something about those two words were important, somehow to someone.  “Yak man!”

It cracked me up.  I don’t know why.  I also decided the dude was nuts and I should stay away.

Nearly twenty years later, this same guy opened up my book release for Madhouse Fog.  I’ve seen him read dozens of times, set up several of his shows, read at several shows he’s set up.  I’ve regularly attended his Vermin series.  I worked with Gorsky Press to publish his collection of short stories, Big Lonesome.  I’ve read all seventy-something columns he’s written for Razorcake. I’ve forgotten to tell a few incriminating stories about him in the hope that he’ll forget to tell a few incriminating stories about me.

Watching him read at Skylight last weekend, I couldn’t get that damn yak man out of my head.  Not because of all the hoeing and yakking.  Because of something that happened right after that long-ago reading.  A mutual friend of ours—one who knew that Ruland had lived in LA prior to coming to Flagstaff—said, “One thing you learn about doing readings in LA, man, is that you gotta bring it.  They’ll kill you if you don’t.”

You Will Know My Wrath by Its Sweet Goatee

You spend a couple years of your life trying to start a punk rock magazine.  You live in poverty so pure that you start looking up the definition of the word “abject.”  You do your grocery shopping at the 99-cent store.  You wonder if you can splurge that week on the baked beans or if you have to stick with Top Ramen because it’s cheaper.

The magazine finally catches on.  It becomes one of the two biggest punk rock rags in the nation.  Years pass.  You have a new book coming out.  The very magazine you co-founded posts an announcement about your book release.  Some snot-nosed punk writes about it and does nothing but make fun of you.  What do you do?

You state your response publicly.

Like this: Matt Hart, you have become my nemesis.  Make sure you see me coming before I see you.


Actually, I thought Matt’s piece on the Razorcake web site was pretty cool.  You can click that link above or the flyer to read it.  It also serves as yet one more reminder of my book release at Skylight this Friday.

Hopefully, I’ll see you there.